It finally hit me. This, too, was a test from the Stoic gods. Okay, I reasoned with myself. Time to take a breath and chill out.
Condo Outlaw
“Was that you in the pool yesterday morning?” she asked me. “I could see someone in the pool on my camera, and it looked like you.”
Yes, I told her. I was in the pool.
“You can’t be in the pool until eight o’clock,” she said, sternly. “That’s the rule.”
Hangin' With The General
While she’d presented the general’s offer as a suggestion, it was anything but. Put another way, the major’s message was, Get Your Asses To The Front Of The Plane. Now.
Starstruck By The Wiggles
I noticed there were a handful of other dads in the crowd, some nursing over-priced beers like I was. We were all wearing a look that said, let’s just get this damn thing over with.
To Hell With Mulch
Mulch makes me hate living in a house. Maybe I should live on a boat. Or in an apartment. I think I’d like an apartment.
Fred Time
“Of course,” he continued, “if you got somebody else ready to do the work, then go right ahead. Won’t hurt my feelings.” This wasn’t some negotiating ploy on Fred’s part. He was totally serious. He’d be just fine if someone else did the work.
Toilet Seat Scam
I am well familiar with the razor blade business model. Gillette charges you ten bucks for the Mach 3 Turbo, then three times that for a pack of blades. And they do so in perpetuity. It’s pretty genius, actually. But toilet seats?
The Best Damn Day After Christmas
“What the hell is this?” asks my brother-in-law as he fishes another bottle from the back of the refrigerator. “No idea where that came from.” Famous words from an epic day after Christmas. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Neighborhood Cat Drama
I am not a cat guy. So imagine my delight when an entire family took up residence in the bushes outside my front door.
The Antidote to the Quiet Life of Desperation
Anyone willing to put it all out there for public ridicule used to creep me out. I mean, do they want people to think they’re freaks?
The Dog Behavior Consultant's Dilemma
Have you been to Puerto Rico? Or anywhere in Central America? I have. And I can tell you, dogs there would happily spend their days lapping malt liquor from a toilet, given the opportunity.
Ode to the G-1 Flight Jacket
Ask Maverick which he loves more, the jacket or the motorcycle. He’ll say the jacket. If he’s being honest.
Hotel Butler
I like to think I have good manners and a modicum of class. But the whole point of good manners—and of being a gentleman—is to put people at ease. I didn’t put Andres at ease. In fact, I think I may have insulted him.
A Ref Goes Viral
I hope that at some point after the Lions-Seahawks game Kemp took a moment to reflect upon his magnificent achievement. And to appreciate how, in a single moment, he had captured the kind of glory that so often eludes George Costanza and the rest of us.
Minor in Possession
By the time he gets to my door, a beer puddle has formed around my feet. The whole car smells like a dive bar. “Step out of the vehicle,” the cop says.
Panera Bread Hell
My brain struggled to process the comment. I’d been awake since two o’clock in the morning, so anything would have been a struggle. But a pierced tongue? I mean . . .
David Hasselhoff
The gauntlet had thus been thrown down. Jeff was going to somehow dupe our Naval Academy company officer into saying “David Hasselhoff.”
What The Hell Is This? And Who's Pete?
Park the mower, and grab a beer! Timeless observations on toilet seats, high school idiocy, and mulch, based on the popular blog by Dan Bozung.